


Granola Bars and Guitar Strings

by Actually_Ichimatsu



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (accidental) self-injury, (eventually) - Freeform, (i have no idea if it counts if the character is dead before the story starts), (i probably just spoiled it), (not everyone lives nobody dies tho), Alana Works A Lot, Angst with a (realistically) Happy Ending, Anxiety, Blaming, Connor's Alive AU, Coping, Crying, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Grief Counselors, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Injury, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possibly OOC, Suicide Notes, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Zoe is the Protagonist :0, jazz band, suicide discussion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-07 21:05:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11631900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actually_Ichimatsu/pseuds/Actually_Ichimatsu
Summary: 'Jared looked down at his phone, pretending to hold his attention to it as he spoke next. "So," he changed the subject, "Where do you think Acorn and Hot Topic are?" He said without his usual bite, with worry underlaying a slightly sarcastic tone. It was weird to Zoe."Evan got his cast off weeks ago, Jared," a new voice huffed. Alana didn't seem to hear Jared's sincerity, so maybe Zoe just imagined it."I heard Connor and Evan got into a small argument last night." Zoe mumbled. They all stayed silent for a bit, then Jared took a sip of his drink.'





	1. There's Broken Pieces in the Ground

**Author's Note:**

> NOTES:  
> -this entire fic may and will be referencing to a suicide !!!  
> -it may also contain suicidal thoughts and depression ;;;;;  
> -stay safe, okay???  
> -i can not remember a loved one i have lost, so the grieving process is from google and how i'd think the characters would react!  
> -these may come out sporadically, school is starting soon for me. but I hope for once a week! 
> 
> the chapter title refers to A Part of Me, a cut song from the musical!!

Zoe sighed in exhaustion at the mere thought of school. At the sheer thought of getting up. She honestly hadn't slept well last night.

She stood up. Something felt off, to her, but she couldn't quite place it. It was a Friday, maybe that was it. The end of a week. She had jazz band right before school every Friday, and you would think nearly two months into the routine of school now, she would be used to it. She wasn't, though, maybe an excuse is it only happens on Fridays. She stretched, and she turned on her light. The old glow in the dark stars on her ceiling faded to blinding artificial light. Her blinds were shut, but she knew it would be dark. The time of year it was, the sun was beginning to rise, but her room was not on the side the sun rose, so she only got blinded by it in the afternoon. Awesome.

Zoe quickly got changed, into a long sleeve shirt, and leggings under shorts. She tied a jacket around her waist, in case she got colder. As Zoe worked through her morning routine, her mind mulled over last night's events.

Connor and Evan had gotten into a fight. Or rather, Connor blew up at Evan. Connor had been fighting with Larry shortly before, since Connor would sometimes (often times) disappear. Connor wouldn't come back until late at night, and their dad would be up doing something: watching TV, finishing some work- so Larry would spot him. Larry just finally said it at dinner that night. It blew up into a huge fight, and Connor was seeking comfort in Evan, when Evan texted some vague message. Connor, being the way he is, snapped at him, and then came to Zoe when he regretted it. It was between the hours of extremely late and extremely early when he left to go back to his room.

Zoe and Connor weren't the best siblings, but they would talk to each other if the other was upset. They wouldn't use those insecurities against each other when they fought. They forgave each other shortly after those arguments, usually. And the ever present sibling rivalry was also a thing between the Murphy siblings, though Connor knew Larry would probably always hate him. But Zoe felt like Cynthia would always take Connor's side, so. Maybe it was more that Cynthia felt like she needed to stifle Connor's neurodiversity, though. Zoe didn't really like Larry a lot either. He always seemingly idolized her when talking to co-workers. It made Zoe uncomfortable.

Zoe pulled up her guitar case and furthermore, her guitar. She stalked downstairs, seeing Cynthia already in the kitchen. Zoe waved at her mom sleepily and yawned.

"Good morning Zoe!" She greeted enthusiastically, and Zoe withheld a groan. It was too early for this peppiness.

"Good morning," Slipped out of Zoe's mouth, and she went into the kitchen and grabbed a granola bar, and began to wander towards the front door.

"Wait! Aren't you going to have breakfast with the rest of us?" Cynthia walked towards the brunette, and Zoe sighed. She never remembered. It's not like Zoe was her daughter or anything, not like she does nothing but find new hobbies to preoccupy her every five seconds. The granola bars were probably the most processed things in the house right now.

"I have morning Jazz band today, every Friday, remember Mom?" She mumbled bitterly, turning towards the mother redhead. Cynthia opened her mouth, then shut it again, a look of recognition crossing her face.

"Oh, yeah." Cynthia said quietly. "Have a great day, darling!" Cynthia kissed her daughter's forehead, and Zoe mumbled a farewell, then opened the door.

The cool October air hit Zoe's skin, and she shivered. It wasn't overwhelmingly freezing, but it was cool, especially compared to inside their cozy house.

She climbed into her car, and stuffed her guitar into the backseat, taking a bite out of the granola bar. Connor currently didn't have a car of his own after wrecking it the end of junior year, so Zoe usually had to drive him to school, except on Fridays. He usually caught a ride with Kleinman on Friday or walked. Connor didn't want to ride the bus, ever. He hated it.

Zoe drove to the school after finishing the bar, the sun rising and beginning to blind her when she parked in the junior parking lot. Zoe found it absurd that the grades had different parking lots, but whatever. Zoe pulled her school supplies out of the car and wandered into the sparsely populated school. The lack of population didn't last for long, because after jazz band practice was over, it was close to the school's starting time.

Zoe, being smarter than most kids her grade, took AP courses and senior classes. The only classes she really took junior was Biology and American History.

Because of this, she had first period in AP English with Alana, Connor, and Evan. Jared was decent at school, and even got high grades in honors courses without trying much, but he didn't really care for AP classes. He wasn't going to take the AP test, so he didn't see the point in taking the class, so he explained.

When she arrived at the class, she only saw Alana. There was no sign of Connor or Evan, which worried Zoe mildly. Connor, she wasn't worried about. Connor would miss days still a lot, and she had heard from him last night. She was more worried about Evan. Evan had been known to take mental health days, but he usually told them about it.

She brushed it off as Evan simply just forgot, and took her place next to Alana and began to work on their assignment.

Groups of four were to find a classic American book and present on it: they were to talk about the plot, and why the book is important to the reader and America, and give facts, illustrations, and why the author might have written it. Zoe, Alana, Connor, and Evan decided they were going to work together, and they decided to present on the book To Kill a Mockingbird, however controversial it was. They had checked up with Alana to make sure it was okay with her if they did the book. Alana was okay with it, explaining it was a huge book in literature and it would be easier to do the project with that book. It was due in a week, but they were planning on getting together this weekend to finish the project.

Alana's job was to pick out facts of the novel, and Zoe's job was to write out the script. Evan felt safer with a script of what they were to talk about written out, he said, so they included that into the project. Connor's job was to make the illustrations, because they all knew he was artistic enough, much to his distain. He joked that's the only reason they wanted him in their group, but all of them insisted that wasn't it. He said he knew, and rolled his eyes and got to work.

Evan's job was to work on the presentation, but he couldn't do way too much besides give a synopsis and their viewpoint of it without Alana's facts, so Alana said she would get done with that by Friday, then give them to Evan on Saturday.

Zoe and Alana worked diligently, until the teacher called for normal class time, to learn something 'new', which was only old stuff renewed, in Zoe's mind. Her mind drifted off and she was brought back by the loud bell, and she packed her things and moved to her next class, American History. The class passed without much incidence, and so did the next period; that being Biology.

Next period was interrupted by lunch, the next period, being Spanish 4 with Jared. They had a quiz today, but it was a short one that only took up the first half of class, so by lunch her and Jared discussed the quiz with Zoe. Jared admitted he had forgotten about the quiz, and Zoe hit him lightly and asked him how he felt he did. Jared just shrugged.

Jared looked down at his phone, pretending to hold his attention to it as he spoke next. "So," he changed the subject, "Where do you think Acorn and Hot Topic are?" He said without his usual bite, with worry underlaying a slightly sarcastic tone. It was weird to Zoe.

"Evan got his cast off weeks ago, Jared," a new voice huffed. Alana didn't seem to hear Jared's sincerity, so maybe Zoe just imagined it.

"See you're finally joining us, A." Jared greeted her. Jared could never find a good nickname for Alana (or Zoe, but he still tried for her) so he just gave up, and went with the first letter of her name, at first much to her distain. But she grew used to it, so she lived with it.

"I had to help in the office a little longer today!" Alana exclaimed, and began to talk about her day so far, Jared and Zoe nodding at different intervals to show awareness.

"Hey, A, what's your theory wh' Ev' an' Conn'uh aren' her'?" Jared took a bite of his sandwich in the middle of his sentence, and Alana groaned.

"Jared, don't talk with your mouth full." Alana sighed. Jared pushed out a whatever with a still-filled mouth.

"I have no idea, in all honesty. I haven't heard from Evan since school yesterday and Connor from 4:30 when I asked him how the drawings were coming for our project!" Alana said, afterwards taking a bite of her apple. She finished chewing and swallowed, then said to Zoe, "Do you know anything?"

"I heard Connor and Evan got into a small argument last night." Zoe mumbled. They all stayed silent for a bit, then Jared took a sip of his drink.

And promptly choked. Zoe frantically hit his back to stop his immense hacking, and Alana couldn't stop laughing- their roles were swapped from normal. Jared finally took a shaky breath, removing his glasses and wiping his eyes from the gathered tears, then cleaning his glasses. "Thank you, Zoe," he glared at Alana who was slowly catching her breath.

"I hate to say it," Alana breathed, "But I told you." The rest of the cafeteria was still loud, like they hadn't notice Jared was choking, which they probably didn't.

"You didn't tell me anything!" Jared bit, albeit weakly, "You said not to eat with my mouth full! Fuck off!"

Alana still snickered, and Jared pouted. After that calmed down, they all threw their scraps in the garbage and waited in the lobby, where it was quieter. There were only a few other people out there, and they mumbled to themselves. Alana, Jared, and Zoe loitered around, causing minor mayhem, then the bell rang, and they bid their farewells. Alana would join them in 6th period for gym, as much as they all hated it, they all didn't take it freshman year so they had to now. Zoe joined it this year so she wouldn't have to take it alone in her senior year. This way, she could have a class with all her friends.

During the rest of fourth period, they worked on Spanish adverbs, and Zoe's mind wandered. She was worried by now, about him. She had known Evan since the middle of 6th grade, when he came home with Connor one day. Connor had met Evan at the beginning of the school year that year. Connor's mental health was reaching an all time low, and Evan had grown more anxious at this time; they had found each other at the right moment in their lives, she decided. She knew Evan pretty well, she supposed, and he was just acting weird right now. Her thoughts kept drifting to Evan, and they wouldn't stop. She had a feeling, but she couldn't place it.

She supposed Jared probably would've known if something was up though. Jared and Evan had known each other since they were babies, Jared claimed, since their moms were friends. Evan claimed there was a time in their lives when Jared wouldn't snark at Evan, but Zoe seriously doubted that. Zoe knew how Jared acted around Evan was 'normal', but it wasn't okay.

Zoe was pulled out of her trance when the bell rang again. She stood, grabbed her backpack, and walked to calculus.

By the time calculus was over, Zoe's brain was hurting and far away from Jared's behavior as she walked into the gym. She walked into the girl's dressing room, silently got changed in a corner, and went out to see Alana chattering to Jared.

"...I'm planning on starting a petition and a fundraiser to help clean it up, and get actual stalls!" Alana gestured wildly with her hands, and Jared had his arms crossed. "You're literally going to be here for a year- actually, for less than a year, now," Jared rolled his eyes, "why does it matter to you anymore?"

"Future generations of our high school deserve nice stalls for the dressing room!" Alana said, as Zoe joined the group. "Hi, Zoe!" Alana brightly greeted and Zoe nodded.

"What were you and Jared talking about?" Zoe asked, and Alana seemed eager to tell her. "You know how trashy the dressing rooms are? I want to get them redone for generations of students to come!"

"I agree, we should pay to fix the dressing rooms," Zoe nodded, egging Alana on. She smiled, and continued on her rant as Jared sighed, and jokingly glared at Zoe for pushing her forward.

They had to run the mile that day, which upset Jared the most of the three of them. Zoe and Alana kept up with each other, leaving Jared, who walked, behind. They got in at a decent 15 minutes, and chattered to each other for a while.

Jared didn't finish, and smirked at the glare the gym teacher gave him.

"You know you need this credit to graduate, right?" Alana looked at Jared, after they began to walk towards his car, and he shrugged. "I'll try harder next semester."

"You're unbearable, Jared." Zoe said, and Jared put on a shit eating grin and did a little bow. "I do my best."

When Zoe and Alana began to depart to go home (Alana had a club, and Zoe usually didn't like staying long after school), Jared stopped them. "I'm going to check on Evan right after school, anyone want to follow me?" Alana frowned, and declined. "I have student counsel in like five minutes, actually." Alana said sadly, then brightened up. "Tell him I hope he feels better!" She departed then, waving to them. She said that she would love to stay longer, but the rest of the counsel would have her ass if she did, then sprinted off back into the building.

"As much as I would love to," Zoe watched her go, "I can't. I have to check on the loser." Zoe gestured vaguely, and Jared waved. "It's whatever. It's your loss anyway."

"Tell him that... Just make sure he feels better, because? I think the argument might've taken a lot out of him." Zoe looked away, but saw Jared nod out of her peripheral vision.

"Yeah, I will." Jared looked like something was on the tip of his tongue, but decided not to say it. Jared then turned on his heel, and went to his car.

Zoe went to her own, in the junior parking lot, threw her stuff into the backseat, and sat in the front seat. She placed her head on the steering wheel for a indeterminable amount of time, and just breathed. She rose her head eventually, turning the key in the ignition, pulling out of the school's parking lot.

The sun was bright on the way home, low in the afternoon sky. It blinded her from the side, and she moved her sun visor to block it, thankful for her above average height, then pulled into her house's driveway.

Zoe pulled her tossed items from the back seat, and drug them into the house and put the keys on their key rack. Cynthia was out for the time being, she knew, going to her yoga class in the afternoon, so the house was silent when she walked in, so she thought Connor was in his room.

She yelled when she saw Connor slink out of the kitchen with a glass of water, and Connor jumped a little too.

His hair was dirty from the lack of washing it for two days, and he reeked of weed as usual. He had on flannel pants, and just a tee shirt. "Hey," Connor ground out, like it was the first time he spoke that day. It probably was.

"Good to see you're alive," Zoe rolled her eyes, "Thanks for giving me a heart attack."

Connor took a sip of his water. "It's my job to. Ev at school today?" Connor said bluntly, and Zoe shook her head.

Connor looked away. "He didn't message me either, so." He muttered, and Zoe frowned slightly. They fell into a brief silence.

"I'm gonna go mope for a few more hours." Connor stalked back up the stairs, and shut the door. Zoe sighed, then walked up to her room with her things, and put them down beside her desk. She then pulled out some weekend homework her American History teacher assigned, but soon she was distracted by her phone violently vibrating. She finally grabbed it, to see the five-of-them's shared group chat being spammed with notifications.

_"aaaaaaaaaa"  
Friday, 4:32pm_

**JaredCronchman:** fucjfuckfkrnsnduck f u ck fcj fyck ducjcksnwmwm icnatbreathe

**Anala:** jared whats wrong?

 

**JaredChronchman** _changed their name to_ **Jared**

**Jared:** evna

**Anala:** what about evan?

Zoe entered the chatroom in utter confusion. Jared didn't usually get this clearly upset.

**Zoe:** what happened Jared?

**Jared** : jsuticsnf ifcmatkejc

**Jared** : theyteusedtobringhimbackbut

**Zoe** : Jared?

Zoe was getting really worried. Jared didn't usually just text then never say what was wrong. Well, he did, but it wasn't this bad usually. He was intelligible usually, but the splatters of words and letters across the screen made no sense.

**Jared** : Hello, this is Ms. Hansen.

**Jared** : Are you guys, friends with.. Evan?

Anala: Yes, he is one of my closest friends! Jared went over to check on him from what I know, correct?

Zoe felt a dread fill her chest. She was insanely worried.

**Zoe** : Yes, did something happen?

**morphine** : yes.

Connor didn't usually talk in the group, unless he was in a good mood or an extremely bad one. Zoe bit her lip.

**Jared** : Well um.

**Jared** : I hate to inform you of this but,

Zoe held her breath. Something was wrong. Horribly wrong.

**Jared** : well, I feel like this is a thing you should hear in person. Do you possibly know where Jared's house is?

**Anala** : I do not, I regret to inform you m'am!

**morphine** : i know where he lives, but why wont you tell us whats going on first?

**Jared** : I just feel like this is something better to be discussed verbally. Please come here.

Zoe stood and opened her door, and Connor was already standing in front of her door. Connor tugged her by the wrist to the front door almost violently, and grabbed her keys. Connor reached to open the door, but the door opened from the outside, revealing Cynthia.

"Hey, how was-" Their mom was cut off by Connor shoving past her, and Zoe rushing behind him. Her yells were disregarded as they pulled out from beside their mothers car, Connor in the driver's seat, Zoe in the passenger. Zoe would protest, normally, but to get to Jared's house quickly, Connor would have to give directions if Zoe was driving since she didn't know her way to his house. And he didn't look very up to being a back seat driver right now. Or arguing over who should be the driver.

Alana's house was on the way to Jared's house. She rushed out and climbed in the car, talking about how her parents weren't home yet and that it would be okay- that she left a note for them. Alana had been home for about fifteen minutes when the messages came through, Alana told Zoe then, and Alana expressed her worry until Connor snapped. The car fell silent, and Connor tapped his hand on the steering wheel. Zoe looked over to the speedometer- he was flying at least fifteen miles over the speedlimit. She bit her lip, worried they would crash or get arrested with Connor's wrecklessness right now, but they pulled into Jared's driveway unticketed and unscathed. There was two other cars in the driveway, one of which she could only assume was Ms. Hansen's.

The three of them rushed into the house, to see Jared tucked underneath a blanket on the couch. The house looked almost pristine, and it was silent. But the silence was broken with a weak sob heard from the room over, and the three tensed.

"Hello," Alana tested, and a frazzle haired blonde with scrubs on exited from the next room. Alana smiled weakly, "Hi, Ms. Hansen right?"

Alana hadn't met Heidi before, having only become friends with Evan in high school. Zoe and Connor had only briefly met her briefly though, as well. Even though Connor and Zoe and Evan had been friends since middle school, Heidi was usually very busy. She was working on a degree in legal work, while working as a nurse in the hospital to make ends meet. She was a very hard working woman, but Evan would come over often to avoid being alone in the house.

"What's wrong with Evan?" Connor ordered, making it sound more like a demand rather than a question, and Zoe bared for the worst.

"Straight foreward, aren't you?" Heidi chuckled. Her cheeks were red and splotchy while the rest of her was extremely pale. They reminded her of Evan's when he was coming down from a panic attack or just from crying.

"Stop stalling." Connor spit, "What's going on and why did you tell us to come here?"

Heidi looked down, her hair covering her face, before muttering, "I'm getting to it," bitterly. Zoe was taken aback before she stepped foreward. "Why can't you just tell us?" She said, pushing the older woman. Heidi placed her hand on the couch were Jared laid. She looked up, tears filling her eyes. "Just sit down, will you?" She uttered.

Connor walked over to her, and sat right in front of her defiantly. Zoe and Alana sat in the two chairs beside the couch.

"E-Evan's..." she shook violently, tears over flowing, and she choked back a sob.

"Evan committed suicide last night. Evan's gone."

Everything shattered in that moment.


	2. Just Like We Were Kids Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'It was completely silent for a long time, then Alana nervously laughed.
> 
> "Mrs Hansen, d-death isn't a funny thing to joke about." The statement came out as more of a question though, Alana's fear being placed on her skin. The house was silent besides Heidi's sobs, and Zoe couldn't speak, and couldn't swallow, and then finally, she spoke the tears streaming down her face.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lil tw:  
> -suicide discussion  
> -a verbal argument occurs  
> -a lack of eating/disordered eating (maybe? if you would consider it that ahh)
> 
> The Chapter Name comes from a song called Kids Again by Artist Vs. Poem!!! I liked it :0

It was completely silent for a long time, then Alana nervously laughed.

"Mrs Hansen, d-death isn't a funny thing to joke about." The statement came out as more of a question though, Alana's fear being placed on her skin. The house was silent besides Heidi's sobs, and Zoe couldn't speak, and couldn't swallow, and then finally, she spoke the tears streaming down her face.

"You're... y-you're lying right?" Zoe choked. Evan, she just saw him yesterday, alive and okay, breathing, his heart beating, he couldn't be dead. Connor pushed himself up and shoved Heidi against the wall. "Don't fucking joke like that!" He snapped, and Zoe stood and rushed towards Connor, and grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. "Connor, s-stop it!" Connor looked back, and looked like he was going to yell at her, but something stopped him. The truth finally set in, and Alana was quietly crying in her chair. Connor looked at Zoe's teary face. The brunette let go of the blonde, who just slid to the ground silently, still crying. Connor hugged Zoe suddenly, and Zoe wrapped her arms around him and they both slid to the floor crying.

Evan Hansen was dead. He was gone. Evan Hansen, who loved ecology, especially trees. The seventeen year old with anxiety, who was getting better. The kid who Connor would go to the orchard with. The boy who was basically Zoe's second brother. The lovable boy who Jared's mother wished was her son. The clumsy idiot, that Jared envied. Evan Hansen, Alana's study buddy, who would help her calm down from her anxiety. He was gone forever.

 

* * *

 

The funeral was that next Tuesday.  
Their parents wore dark formal attire, Zoe wore a grey blouse and a black skirt, and withheld flowers. Connor simply wore a black hoodie and jeans. Connor hadn't want to come, but their parents forced him to come, for finality.

Jared's parents were there, but Jared himself didn't show. Alana and her parents showed, and a family that Zoe had never met was there. Logic told her it was Evan's father and his new family. She knew other people might come later, for the actual service.

Zoe walked up to the casket, and peered in. Evan didn't look like Evan to her, and it made her sick. His skin was pasty and pale. He was really pale even when... even when alive, but he looked as white as a sheet of paper. He had been changed into a light blue tux (what else, Zoe might've laughed in any other situation), and his hair was clean and styled. His eyes were shut.

Stories usually said that dead people, if their eyes were shut, looked like they were simply sleeping. But Evan looked too tense. Evan may have been very anxious, but Connor would always have Evan over when they were little, and the three of them would sleep in the living room. Evan would fall asleep before both of them, and Connor would always poke Zoe if she was asleep, and forced her to look at his resting body. Zoe always teased him, but Evan was so calm when he slept. Any tension left his shoulders, and sometimes he'd get a little smile in his sleep like he was dreaming about something good. As they got older, Connor would stop pointing it out, growing away from Zoe, but she still would catch a glimpse of the two sleeping sometimes, like when Connor had his door removed in sophomore year. Evan was over often during that year, and Zoe would go out for some water and would spot Connor and Evan just laying beside each other on the bed.

Zoe was shaken out of reminiscing when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned, seeing Connor standing behind her, looking away from her and the casket. Zoe laid down the flowers, and Connor left to join their family again while she did that. She quickly joined them.

The funeral was small, arranged for about maybe sixteen guests, so the seats were mostly filled. Some other people joined in, possibly past teachers of Evan's. Zoe didn't care enough to determine who they were. Zoe's family sat beside the Kleinman's. She leaned over to Mrs. Kleinman, who looked particularly weepy, before the funeral.

"Hello, Mrs. Kleinman? You may not know me, but I'm Zoe Murphy." Zoe mumbled, and she looked up at her. Mrs. Kleinman's hands trembled, before she put them down in her lap. "I've heard of you, what is it dear?" Her voice wavered, and her husband put a hand on his wife's shoulder for support.

"I was wondering... where Jared was." Zoe said quietly, unable to will her voice any louder. She couldn't get the image of Evan, pale, pale Evan, just laying in the coffin. It haunted her.

"Oh, yes." Mr. Kleinman grabbed onto Mrs. Kleinman's hand, and half-smiled politely, squeezing her hand to give her comfort and to inform her he was taking over for her. "Jared didn't come today, because he didn't feel well." He said, and Zoe nodded briefly. "Did you want to speak to him? He hasn't left his room since Friday. We've had to go into his room to make sure he hadn't died," He laughed dryly, before realizing his situation. "I'm so sorry, that wasn't the right words."

Zoe could tell where Jared got his insensitiveness from; but at least this Kleinman knew the wrong time.

"No, no," Zoe said, waving her hand. "It wasn't anything."

Zoe hadn't seen Jared since Friday, actually. She hadn't seen Alana, or much of Connor even. Zoe hadn't really left her room either, though.

Zoe thanked the Kleinman's for answering her questions, and leaned back over to her family. The service was starting, anyway.

After the church leader read the opening remarks, Heidi gave up and gave a brief eulogy, before asking if anyone else had wanted to say any words. Evan's supposed father stood and went up to the podium, and gave a few words. Zoe felt resentment in her chest against the man. Evan's father had only been there for the first 7 years of his life, then only called twice a year after he left. She didn't think he deserved to talk, but she didn't say anything about it.

Briefly, Alana stood up and stood behind the podium, and tears streamed down her face as she finished her shortened tale about how her and Evan- and all of them, in extension- became friends, and that they all changed her life. Zoe felt her throat tighten, and she bit her lip. She looked at Connor, and he was looking down.

After that, the service wrapped up, and invited the attendees to the burial. Heidi exited, her ex-husband following with his family. Then everyone else exited, Zoe and Connor's family, the Beck's, and the Kleinman's joining the procession.

The burial contained only the people at the wake, and was brief. Zoe could only think about that it was the last time she'd ever see Evan, for real. She buried her head in her hands and cried on the way home, and just went to her room and cried for a while until she passed out.

 

* * *

 

Zoe didn't go to school the next day, but went back on Thursday, and filled her time with her guitar and playing songs she needed to learn for jazz band (and learning a few just to occupy her mind). She woke up early Thursday morning (she would sleep restlessly for one or two hours at a time, but fall asleep a lot) and took a shower. It felt like a lot of her energy was sapped up from simply doing that, so after getting dressed for the day, and seeing the clock still at five am, she just collapsed back onto her bed. She didn't know how long she laid there, just staring at the glow in the dark stars, until her normal alarm rung- seven am.

Zoe willed herself to stand, and went downstairs with her stuff. When she got downstairs Cynthia looked at her with surprise, hands wet and wrinkly with dish soap, washing dishes. Zoe shrugged. "I'm going to have to go back some time soon," Zoe said, voice scratchy from disuse, "so I'm just going back now."

"You can always go back on Monday," Cynthia said with a worried tone, and Zoe shook her head. "Connor's not going back today, right?" Zoe asked.

"No, he isn't." Cynthia sighed, removing her hands from the sink, and drying them. "Do you want something to eat?" Cynthia inquired.

"I'm not hungry." Zoe stood awkwardly at the cusp of the kitchen, and her mom looked at her worriedly.

"Zoe, if you don't eat, you'll starve," worry filled her expression, and Zoe sighed with exasperation. "I'm eating mom, I'm okay."

They sat in silence for a moment. Zoe took a back step to head for the door, but Cynthia grabbed her arm to catch her attention. Zoe looked at Cynthia, looking into her eyes. She was the same height as her; Zoe could remember times when she was around her mother's waist, tattling on Connor for some stupid thing in their childhood, all fun and games. She wished it was then again, when things were simpler, when Evan was alive. Zoe bit her lip. She was trying not to think about that.

"So um," Cynthia began, "I booked you an appointment with a grief therapist. Your father doesn't exactly agree with me doing this, but you... and Connor... should maybe seek this out. After everything, your father is letting you see them, and Connor is to see his normal therapist to talk. Larry said a few sessions, possibly. You know how he is, under normal circumstances he might not have-" Zoe cut her off.

"Why? I'm okay." Zoe insisted, pulling away from her mom.

Cynthia looked almost exasperated, "You! And Connor! Are just laying in your room, and doing nothing, and wasting away!" She cried.

"Well I'm going to school right now! I'm perfectly fine, Mom-" For once, Cynthia cut her off.

"Please!" She almost screeched, tears brimming in her eyes. She was silent for a moment, then grabbed both of her shoulders, looking Zoe in her eyes. "I don't want to lose you or Connor." Her voice shook as she spoke. "I can't." She whispered.

Zoe exhaled, biting her lip. "I mean..." Zoe pulled away. "I guess. I'll think about it." Cynthia smiled at her.

"Thank you." Cynthia smiled briefly, before wiping at her eyes, then grabbed something for her and deposited it into her hand.

It was a granola bar. Zoe looked at her again.

"Your... your father already left for work, he left early this morning, so I think it would be acceptable for you going on to school. So much for daily family breakfast," Cynthia breathed, laughing airily. Zoe nodded, then stepped backwards. She waved at her mom, before exiting and going to her car.

The day hadn't even started yet and she was already exhausted. She sighed and put her key in the ignition. It was going to be a long day.

When she got to school, she was bombarded by apologies, and she felt overwhelmed. She nodded and said thank you, and checked her phone. She hadn't been on social media at all the past few days, and her phone showed her a bunch of notifications from Twitter and Instagram.

 **@wakeywakeyeggsanddepression :** _I'm so sorry for your loss! #ripevanhansen @woahitszo @abeck_

 **@candystore.s :** _i cant believe what happened! : ( its so terrible. #ripevanhansen_

 **@aar17362 :** _we were best friends! I can't believe he would've done this. #ripevanhansen._

Zoe resisted the urge to type that Evan probably didn't even know them. To tell them to screw off. But she knew maybe they did, so she left it be.

Zoe looked down the tag, to see dozens of posts on the tag, but not quite one hundred. Zoe found it funny that people he didn't even know and who didn't even know him were commenting on his untimely death. Zoe turned off the social media again. She didn't need to get aggravated at it right now.

By then, the bell to report to first period rang out. Alana rushed in, looking frazzled and exhausted, but sat right down beside Zoe. "Hello, Zoe! It's good to see you again," She cheered, and Zoe withheld her horror. Did Alana really get over this so soon?

"The teacher said we didn't have to turn in the project Friday, but I went ahead and wrote out everything and made the powerpoint and I wrote some revisions on your script. All we need is the rest of Connor's part, which I can also do as well, if he isn't going to be back by tomorrow. It just simply won't be as well drawn as his!" Alana rambled, and Zoe understood. No, she wasn't over it. Alana was just trying to cope. She couldn't interfere with that.

"Um, my mom says Connor won't be back 'til Monday, but maybe I can get him to give me the drawings?" Zoe mumbled, and Alana nodded as the bell that signified the start of first period rang. The bulk of the presentations were today, so today was just mostly a free day to do whatever, but 'listen intently'.

Alana just worked on things for other classes. She was sort of scared of Alana right now. Zoe could not remove her eyes from Alana, until the bell rang. Zoe packed her things, but when she was leaving, the teacher stopped her.

"The students knew you were friends with Evan Hansen," her English teacher spoke, "so they all made you a card. They also made one for Alana, but she got it yesterday." A pile of cards was pushed onto her hands.

Zoe looked at the cards, then nodded briefly, thanking him. She almost got out of the classroom without another word, but the teacher spoke again.

"All of us teachers are here for you, by the way." The teacher spoke. Zoe just continued walking, not knowing how to respond.

Zoe would love to say that the rest of the day was normal, but it wasn't. Random strangers came up to her and told her sorry for her loss; but some she heard mumble how they didn't even know who he was. Even freshmen approached her about Evan, and she almost couldn't handle it. She wanted to scream, they didn't even know Evan, suddenly everyone wanted to be her friend, just because one of her closest friends committed suicide. Objectively, Zoe realized it made sense for people wanting to be her friend, but it was honestly too much. Fake people faked being sorry for her, and her friends. They were all faking their mourning, because who actually mourned someone they didn't know? They were doing it for attention, so they could force themselves up to the top of the school chain.

Jared hadn't been in Spanish, he probably just didn't come today. But at lunch, Alana didn't show, so she had no one she really knew to sit with. Zoe briefly looked around, before deciding to ask some people she knew from Jazz band if she could sit with them, they quickly obliged. Zoe didn't get anything from the lunch line besides an apple, and she still had the granola bar from this morning. She bit into the apple, her stomach growling with delight at finally being fed.

She had eaten before today, just not a great amount. Zoe still insisted she was healthy.

"You were friends with that Hansen kid, right?" One girl said. She had blonde hair, almost bleach blonde. Zoe nodded slightly, and she rested her head in her hand. "That must be terrible to deal with."

Zoe almost began to speak, but a black haired brown eyed girl spoke before she could get anything out. "Would you like something to remember him by?" Frantically, from across the table, a girl with purple ombre waved her off, glaring at the blacked haired one. "Don't mind her. She just wants to sell some merchandise, or whatever."

"Merchandise?" Zoe asked, biting into the apple again. It was almost half gone by now.

"Oh you know, pins, necklaces, buttons, the sort. Would you like one? I'd normally make people pay, but you being you, you'll get one for free." The brown eyed girl asked, pulling out her assortment of horribly made accessories. The ombre girl covered her eyes, and the blonde girl looked at Zoe with an apologetic gaze. Zoe gaped at the assortment, and then looked up at the girl, who grinned.

"Evan..." Zoe growled, the girl's smile was wiped off her face. "Wasn't just an accessory!" Zoe yelled, and the girl cowered. The people around the table began to look at the four, and quickly the rest of the cafeteria followed. "He wasn't just a thing you can use to get money!" She screamed and swiped the accessories off the table. The cafeteria was in utter silence in response. Zoe began to realize, when tears dripped down her face.

"I...I'm sorry. I need to go." Zoe whispered, and grabbed all her things and rushed out as tears dripped down her face. She distantly heard laughter ring through the cafeteria, and she ran faster out the hall. She ran to the junior parking lot, threw her stuff in her car, and leaped after it, sobbing loudly. Snot and tears got everywhere, and she honestly didn't know why she was crying like this. She couldn't stop crying these past few days, and she thought she was finally over it. She thought she was finally over his death.

Zoe could hear what the people still in the cafeteria were saying now. Comparing her to her brother, who had massive paranoia and anger issues, who threw a printer in second grade. Saying that it runs in the family. Zoe hated it, hated this, wished she could just be over everything right now and that she didn't have to feel like this anymore. Over being angry at Connor for making her reputation so stilted, over being angry at everyone for acting like they knew Evan, over being angry at Evan for selfishly killing himself, over missing Evan, over Evan's death.

She looked down, and saw that she had brought the apple and the granola bar. She threw the rest of the apple out of her car. She wasn't very hungry anymore. She kept the granola bar, it still being in its wrapping. She didn't know why, she knew she wouldn't eat it. She turned the key in the ignition.

  
When Zoe got home, Cynthia was there. Cynthia briefly asked what was wrong, but Zoe didn't respond, and simply walked up the stairs with her things, and fell down onto the bed after throwing her stuff on the ground. She fell asleep for a few hours, but woke up when she heard the front door slam shut. Larry was home. She looked over at her alarm clock, seeing it was nearly five o'clock.

Zoe heard shoes walking upstairs, then a person walking past her door, then down the hall into the last bedroom. Zoe stood, and wobbled, vision going dark from dehydration. She walked downstairs after regaining her sight, and filled herself up a glass of water. Cynthia sat at the dining table.

"Um, mom?" Zoe rasped, after downing the water and getting another glass. She stood beside the table. Cynthia looked up at her daughter, and asked what it was.

"When is... that appointment?" Zoe mumbled, and Cynthia's eyes lit up a little.

"Its with Doctor Briars, Monday at 4o'clock? Is that okay?" Cynthia listed off the information, and Zoe nodded. Cynthia smiled slightly. "Dinner will be ready soon, would you go upstairs and tell Connor and your father that? We're just having regular lasagna tonight."

"Yeah," Zoe said, and headed upstairs with the glass of water, and placed it down in her room. She walked down the hallway to tell her father first.

The halls were barren, as always. Their family only took formal family pictures done by a professional photographer. There was one photo though, that Connor decided to take on his moms old polaroid camera. It was long since broken, by now. The photo was sitting on a table, dust covering it and the table. She picked it up. It was a photo of Evan, Jared, Connor, and herself back in seventh grade. Connor's arm was awkwardly bent on the outside of the frame to take the photo. It was obviously a second, third, or further try to take the photo, Connor looking mildly aggravated. Jared sat on the far left, and Evan sat beside him and Zoe, and Zoe sat beside Connor. The back drop was in the old orchard: it was the last time they went before it closed permanently(not saying they didn't go after it closed).

Zoe picked it up and dust it off, sighing. She thought Connor took more pictures than this one, but this one was the last standing copy, apparently. She put it back down, and walked down to Larry's room, and told him that dinner was almost ready. Larry opened the door, and passed her, patting her shoulder and heading downstairs.

Zoe head back down the hall, passing the picture again, and knocked on Connor's door.

"Fuck off!" Rasped inside the door, and Zoe sighed. "It's Zoe, Connor."

Zoe heard Connor sigh, and trudge towards the door. His eyes held an irritate gaze. "What is it?" He said impatiently.

"Mom says that dinner's ready." Zoe mumbled, and Connor almost shut the door. "Tell her I'm not hungry," he said, but Zoe stopped him.

"Mom made lasagna. She's really been upset that we're not eating with her or the family." Zoe caught the door. Connor rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I'll come down for a bit." His eyes were reddened; Zoe would've had no doubt he had been crying, if he didn't reek of weed.

Zoe sighed, and followed him down the stairs. He had trying to not use it anymore, but escapism is a virtue, she supposed, right now.

They sat at the table as the food was laid out in front of them. No one reached to grab it though, until Larry slowly grabbed a small serving. The stillness broke after that, and they all grabbed a small serving as well. No one ate a lot, opting to play with their food.

"You didn't go to school today." Their father asked, though sounding more like a statement. "Yeah, what's your point?" Connor stabbed his fork in the lasagna, getting tense from Larry's accusing tone.

"You're never going to graduate at this rate, and you can't just live here your entire life, doing nothing but drugs. You're going back to school tomorrow." Larry ground out, and Connor grabbed onto the table cloth.

"You can't force me to go tomorrow." Connor growled, and Cynthia tried to butt in to ease the tension, but was ignored.

"Zoe went back today!" Larry exclaimed, and Connor pushed away from the table. "Well I'm not Zoe! I'm not your perfect little girl who can't do any wrong!" Connor snapped.

"You should take more after her example! Grow up! People die!" Larry bluntly said, and Zoe stood. "Dad, Ev-"

"Shut up!" Connor screamed. "I hate all of you!" His chair fell backwards when he stood, and he just ran up the stairs, Larry chasing after him, yelling still. Larry banged on the door for a minute before stomping to his and Cynthia's shared room. Zoe and Cynthia stared at each other for a minute, Zoe then going upstairs quietly.

She went into her room for an hour, and read through one of her books. She got up then, to check on Connor, who should have calmed down by now.

She softly knocked on his door. "Go the fuck away!" He yelled.

"It's Zoe..." she said softly. Connor was quiet for a moment. "Fuck off, Zoe. Just go play your dumb guitar and pretend nothing's wrong like you always do." He bit. Zoe ground her teeth, then went into her room and shut the door.

She laid there, unable to do anything but think. Everything felt terrible. It felt like nothing was going to get better. It felt like her friendship was torn apart because of Evan's selfish suicide.

She really hated Evan right now. She really missed him, too. She just wanted everything to be normal again. Just for everything to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im Bad At Writing Fights >>>: ( im also bad at endings im sorrryyyy
> 
> School starts soon for me hhhhhhhhhhh but ill try to get chapters out on sundays? I have the next chapter written but I want to Save It for Sunday incase i for some reason have no time to write this week lmao
> 
> I have this- for the most part- planned out. 21 ish chapters!!!
> 
> as a note: All the chapters might not be up to 4000+ words like this one is,,, I usually only write 1000 ish before i get tired and my arms are sore because i type on my iphone lmao
> 
> Beta'd by @Coolkid456!!


	3. I Know a Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'The door opened completely this time, and lo and behold, Jared behind it. Jared looked like a mess, but she probably did too, so she didn't remark on anything. "Hey," Zoe breathed. Jared rolled his eyes.
> 
> "Are you just going to stand there staring at me in silence, or are you coming in?" Jared spoke. Zoe's mouth formed a lopsided 'o', and nodded briefly before walking in.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings!!!  
> -Suicide Notes ™  
> -discussion of funerals  
> -drug abuse
> 
> Title from the song Kids Again by Artist Vs Poet!!
> 
> this time: unbeta'd, so if you see a mistake, hmu!!

Zoe didn't go to school on Friday, opting staying in bed until 11am. Connor also hadn't gone to school, but their mom was home. She usually didn't force Connor to go to school, unless it was the first day or something. If Larry was there, they'd both be in school right now ruing life. Cynthia, though, understood they might both need time.

She hadn't seen Jared since the week before, and she was sort of worried about him from the information she got at the funeral. So Zoe, forcing her self to do something other than rot in bed, put on a sweatshirt and threw her hair up into a messy bun, and left for his house. She considered this to be the more healthy option, even though she wanted nothing more than to face plant into the concrete as she was walking.

Zoe stood there for a few moments after ringing the door bell. There was one car in the drive way, which she knew was Jared's. The other two cars from the week ago were missing, probably taking the inhabitants to work. She rung it again after waiting, and then finally, she heard someone padding towards the door. There was a moment of silence, and she briefly considered ringing the door bell again, but stopped as the door opened a crack, the chain stopping it from going further. Jared's messy hair showed through the doors. His eyes were slightly red, which pronounced the blue (and brown, in case of his right eye) in his eyes. Jared didn't have his glasses on right now, and therefore squinted to see Zoe.

"Zoe," he rasped, "Why the fuck are you here?" he asked. Zoe tapped her foot. "You sound terrible." Zoe said bluntly, and he sighed. "No less terrible than you sound, Murphy."

"Can I come in?" She asked, and Jared shook his head briefly. "Nah, my parents wouldn't be happy if I had people over."

"Since when do you care about what yor parents think?" Zoe crossed her arms, and then Jared sighed again. He moved, and the door shut. Fine then. Don't let her in. She almost turned to leave, but the door opened again.

The door opened completely this time, and lo and behold, Jared behind it. Jared looked like a mess, but she probably did too, so she didn't remark on anything. "Hey," Zoe breathed. Jared rolled his eyes.

"Are you just going to stand there staring at me in silence, or are you coming in?" Jared spoke. Zoe's mouth formed a lopsided 'o', and nodded briefly before walking in.

The interior was dark for the most part, the only light coming from the open door and what she would guess Jared's room, on the second floor. It was the first door to the left of the stair case, making it visible to her. The darkness was immense, but she could tell it wasn't as tidy as it was when she came here a week ago. There was paper strewn on the floor. The silence was overwhelming- the house was in deafening silence, if you ignored their breathing. The front door was shut, and Zoe could barely see Jared.

"Are you just trying to make yourself more blind?" Zoe mumbled, and Jared punched her shoulder weakly. "Turn on the light, if you so wish, _princess_." He tacked on the last part sardonically, and Zoe huffed. She flicked on the lights- the house didn't look much better in the light, glasses of water (or vodka, knowing Jared) on the coffee table. The kitchen from where she saw had dishes piled up. It was like Jared had been home alone, and he didn't bother to clean after himself. It wouldn't be way too out there actually. Jared's parents were often gone, they had actually only gotten back last Friday morning. She just wouldn't have suspected they would've head out again so soon. Zoe dug her toe into the ground. The silence continued, and was growing exponentially uncomfortable.

Zoe broke the silence. "So," she dragged the 'o', "why were you not at the, uh?" Zoe trailed off, hoping Jared would get what she meant. Jared looked at her with an annoyed look. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, the funera-" Zoe started, but was cut off. "I know what you meant." he hissed, looking away from her. They stood in silence for a moment, then Jared deflected the question. "Come to my room if you're going to crash my party." He turned his head, before walking up the stairs, Zoe pausing before following.

Jared's room was more of a mess than the rest of the house. A computer desk sat on the far side of the wall, showing some game, and clothes were thrown into the adjacent corner. Half eaten processed food sat on his bed side, as well as two water bottles and a medcine bottle. His sheets were tangled, and the room reeked with the smell of sweat and food.

Zoe gestured to the computer, as Jared sat in the swivel chair. "What's that?" she leaned on the door.

"Just a game you made me lose when you came in." Jared complained. Zoe huffed, crossing her arms uncomfortably, her arm pressing against the frame.

"Sit down. You look like my mother." He gestured to his bed, and Zoe awkwardly sat down on the edge of the bed. She had honestly only been in here a handful of times. She glared at the medicine bottle, so she didn't have to stare at Jared. The label was turned around, so she couldn't see what it was exactly. It looked like what vitamins came in, if you bought them from Target or something.

"Melatonin," Jared answered Zoe's unasked question. "Helps me fall asleep, or something." He turned to the computer, shutting the game off.

"Having problems sleeping?" Zoe picked up the bottle, turning it, seeing 'MELATONIN' in big letters. She didn't doubt him really, remembering the past week. She placed it back down. Jared just waved his hand and gave a noncommittal noise.

"Jared, really." Zoe began. "Why weren't you at the funeral on Tuesday?" Jared stiffened ever so slightly; she probably wouldn't have noticed if she hadn't been watching as he did it. "I was sick, or something. I'm still sick. Which is why I'm not at school." He gave an obviously fake cough. "Why aren't you at school, Murphy?" Jared went on the defensive. Zoe bit her lip.

"Evan would've wanted you there-"

" _If Evan wanted anything, he'd be here right now_!" Jared shouted over her, not letting her finish. His words hung in the air for a moment, and Zoe looked down. Zoe heard a telling splash hit the desk, but didn't move. Jared took a deep breath. "I couldn't stand to see him again." he whispered. "Not after seeing him like that." his voice cracked. "I hate him so much." Jared almost whimpered. Zoe nodded slightly. Zoe slowly leaned back and put her hands on the bed to prop herself up.

"It was so dumb and he w-was so dumb, everything's so stupid right now and I just want it to go back to normal." Jared whispered, everything spilling out. Zoe mumbled an agreement.

"I wonder if I had checked on him the night before, if he would be alive and okay right now. I wonder if I hadn't been such a fucking bully, maybe he'd be here." Jared's words rang through the air. "I wonder if I was actually a good person, if he would be happy right now." He added as a self-deprecating remark.

Zoe opened her mouth to say something, but nothing would come out. She couldn't figure out what to say.

Moments later, saving them from a horrible silence, she changed the subject. "Have you been seeing anyone? My mom's making me see someone. Looking it up, its for people who can't get over it after months, I don't think she wants to deal with two mentally ill children." Zoe chuckled quietly. After a brief silence and a sniffle, Jared responded.

"Yeah, my parents are making me see Evan's old therapist." Zoe took a deep breath. Jared laughed drily. "I know, stupid idea. But they don't talk about Evan, patient confidientiality exists even in death apparently."

"Yeah." Zoe breathed, feeling mildly uncomfortable when Jared brought up the last part. She knew she might've been really sensitive, but in her defense, it was still pretty fresh. And also, Jared had no tact at all.

"You don't have... his last words for you, do you?" Jared continued after a brief silence. He was more sensitive than he usually was as he spoke, but at the wrong time. Zoe spoke.

Zoe didn't get his meaning, so confusedly began to speak. "I, I don't remember what he last said to me, It was something like- something like 'See you later'-" Zoe only just realized how ironic the words were as she was saying them. Her heart thumped violently in her chest as she tried to prevent any tears from leaking from her eyes.

"No, I didn't mean that." Jared rolled his eyes. "I have them, though, so of course you don't have them." He sighed, before handing her two letters. "One's for you, one's for Connor."

It was then Zoe realized, and shivered. Evan's suicide notes; he had written individually for the two of them. Zoe almost puked.

"He wrote one for each of us. I'm gonna have to find Alana soon and give her her's, I guess." Jared sighed.

"Oh, okay." Zoe mumbled. The room fell silent, and not in a comfortable way. "I just wanted to see if you were okay. And since you're okay," Zoe said, standing, "I think that's my job done."

Jared stared at her for a moment. "What do you want? A pat on the back that you had basic human decency?" Jared said, and Zoe huffed.

"I'm glad to see you're alive, asshole." Zoe said awkwardly, crossing her arms.

"Still alive and kicking, regrettably." Jared shot back, smirking a bit. "Bye Zoe."

"Bye Jared." Zoe left the room, and then made her trek to the door.

She approached the door, but the door opened in on her, Zoe jumping back to avoid getting hit and from shock.

"Jared! I'm back!" The woman who she only had met a few times, known as Mrs. Kleinman, yelled towards the direction of the room, whilst carrying a bunch of groceries. Then, she noticed Zoe. "Oh hello darling!" The woman smiled weakly. "Zoe, was it? What are you doing here at this time of day?" She had a mop of brown hair that looked like it had been washed just a while ago.

"Oh, no reason. I was just leaving, anyway." Zoe smiled respectfully at the brunette. The older woman waved her hand dismissively. "No, you have to eat with us! I just bought some groceries to make lunch and dinner for me and Jared. My husband has gone for a business trip, you see, and I'm leaving out on Monday to join him."

Zoe shook her head. "No ma'm, my mom's made food at home- which is why I have to go." Zoe lied, she just really wasn't hungry right now.

"If you're sure darling." Mrs. Kleinman said, smiling weakly at Zoe, before moving from the doorway to let Zoe out.

"Mrs. Kleinman," Zoe begun, thinking of a question that had been simmering at the back of her mind. The brunette paused and turned back to Zoe. "Yes, dear?"

"How has... Ms... Hansen been taking... everything?" Zoe paused often, unsure of how to word the sentence. Mrs. Kleinman nodded ruefully. "As well as expected; Heidi can't even stay at her own house right now." She sighed sadly.

"Where is she staying?" Zoe asked. Mrs. Kleinman carried the groceries into the kitchen, then came back into the room. "Here, until Monday, as much as I know. She may stay longer if she decides to. She's at some class right now," Mrs. Kleinman continued before Zoe could ask. "The poor darling just needs a break, she needs to just unwind," The brunette smacked her lips together.

"Well, okay," Zoe said solemnly, "I should really be, uhm, going now. It was nice to talk to you." Mrs. Kleinman nodded. "I'll see you around, Zoe!" She exclaimed, looking at Zoe. Zoe met her eyes for a moment. Mrs. Kleinman looked at her like she was trying to get a read into Zoe, but Zoe quickly looked away. She turned on her heel, and left the messy house.

Zoe inhaled the fresh air then slowly exhaled. Zoe looked down at the letters in her hands. They were both folded like a brochure, and written long ways were 'Zoe' and 'Connor' respectively.

Zoe's legs led her to an old park, the one of her childhood. Where in elementary school, Connor would take her if their parents were okay with it. Or in middle school, Evan would drag her and Connor to, and would point at the trees, and would identify them. The park was old, much older than all of them, but was renovated recently. Zoe sat down in front of a small fountain, where there was benches. No one was out, it being schooltime, so the only noises were of the splashing water and birds, and the leaves rustling from the light breeze. It was a nice day, not cold or hot.

Zoe reluctantly looked back down at the notes. She put Connor's beside her, and sat on it to make sure it wouldn't blow away. She took a deep breath, and opened the letter addressed to her.

_'Dear Zoe,_

_I'm really sorry. I dont know what to say, really. I know this is stupid. But I just. Dont know. I cant write it well enough through this limited paper. I could write a book about how I feel. But it wouldn't do any good. Anyway, I'm sure you don't really care. You thought I was doing better. You thought I would be good, that this wouldn't happen. Im sorry for making everything awful in your life. Im sorry for even existing. I'm gonna end it here. (haha I'm fricking hilarious.)_

_Sincerely,  
Evan.'_

Zoe let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She had bitten into her lip, and tears were welling up in her eyes. She folded it back up, and shoved it in her pocket, it starting to crumple.

Zoe put the heels of her hands to her eyes to stop herself from crying.

Maybe if she had noticed something, he'd be here right now. Her heart hammered in her chest. This could've been prevented if she had been more perceptive. If she had messaged him before it happened, when she found out Connor yelled at him, maybe he'd be here.

She shook her head. She knew she couldn't think like that. It wasn't her fault. It was Evan's fault, for being so selfish. _Suicide is a selfish thing._

_It wasn't selfish,_ her traitorous mind thought, _If you had reached out to him, he wouldn't have done it._

The lump in her throat didn't let her protest.

 

* * *

 

Zoe tried to shut the door as quietly as she could when she got in a little later. She knew there was no reason to. She knew her mom would be gone by now, her yoga class was extended on Fridays, from twelve to three in the afternoon. Since it was a weird time of day, most people didn't go to this class, besides older people. Her mom didn't mind that, so opted for this class. She knew Connor was home though.

After she looked at her wretched note, she considered looking at Connor's with morbid curiosity, but didn't. She knew Connor might find out, and with Connor how he is, she didn't want to risk it. She sighed irritably. She missed her brother, the one that would just hang out with her, from her childhood. He had been coming back, until Evan went and did this. She ground her teeth.

She walked up to Connor's door. "I have something for you." She spoke through the door. Her body tensed; it was stupid. She hated this.

"I don't fuckin' want it." Connor rasped. She heard him let out a breath. Her irritation grew.

"Jared gave it to me to give you." Zoe tried again. Connor audibly sighed. She could only imagine his expression, eyebrows furrowed, and deep frown. "I certainly don't want whatever that shit is." Connor bit.

"It's Evan's suicide note." Zoe bit back, and then she heard stomps towards the door, and the door swung open. Smoke trailed behind him, blunt in hand. His expression leaked anger. The stench of weed and sweat and grim overtook her nostrils. Zoe took a step back, in fear, and Connor shoved her backwards, but she scrambled away. She was terrified of him when he was like this.

"J-just take it and get away from me, weed-for-brains!" She thrust the letter into his hands, running as fast as she could into her room, locking the door behind her. She bit her lip so hard she was worried she broke the skin. Soon, she heard the other door slam shut. Zoe took a shaky breath.

Zoe pulled her guitar out of the case, looking through her music and quietly strumming out notes and practicing. She ran out of old music to run through, so she pulled a song she knew up on an app on her phone. She strum out the cords lightly, humming the melody quietly.

She didn't know how long she sat there doing that, but she was calm when someone knocked at her door. She paused, before her mom yelling that ir was her through the door. She stood up, unlocked the door, and opened it.

"Hi mom," Zoe mumbled, "back so soon?" Zoe made brief eye contact with the redhead. "It's the normal time, sweetheart." Cynthia smiled worriedly. "Anyway, you'll never guess who I saw at yoga!" Cynthia continued.

"Who did you see?" Zoe asked, leaning on the door frame, awkwardly.

"I saw Ms. Heidi Hansen," she tacked on the 'Hansen' as if Zoe knew multiple Heidi's that were out of school or work at that hour of the day. Zoe nodded. "It's good to see her in other places than the hospital!" Cynthia warmly said. Zoe nodded again, and Cynthia let out a brief sigh.

"So, what did you do after going out this morning?" Cynthia asked, and Zoe shrugged. "I worked on my guitar stuff. Thought I would make up for not being at practice this morning." She left out the part about fighting with Connor. "That's great darling!" Cynthia beamed.

Zoe backed away from the door after that, and Cynthia smiled slightly again. "Dinner will be ready soon. We- Uh, I- You can eat in here today if you want, if you bring your food back down."

Zoe nodded, and Cynthia moved to go away, assumingly downstairs, and Zoe shut the door and began to pick out the chords of the chorus. Moments later, it felt like, Cynthia was back.

"I have your food," Cynthia placed down a nice, yet small, plate of meatloaf. Zoe smiled, and took the plate. She hadn't eaten today, so she forced herself to down the food even though she wasn't hungry or particularly liked meatloaf.

"What about your vegan diet thing?" Zoe pointed out, and Cynthia shrugged. "I've made myself something else." She said. "What's that song? I heard you playing it." Cynthia asked, gesturing to the guitar and her phone.

"Oh, its- its called 'Kids Again', by Artist Versus Poet," Zoe blushed, regretting starting to tell her mom in the middle of her sentence, but pushed forward. Her music taste wasn't awful, but she didn't exactly like telling her mom about it. It was probably just some teenager thing, as she would probably call it.

"Oh, okay." Cynthia smiled, then turned. "I'll let you eat. Bring down your plate and whatever you have left over when you're done." Cynthia shut the door behind her. Zoe sighed, losing herself in thought as she forced the food down her throat. Her mom wasn't half bad a cook, when not doing some weird diet thing.

Evan might've enjoyed this- Zoe shook her head, and sighed, beginning to play music to try to rid her thoughts.

This wasn't going to be easy, was it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ending is really awkward. Let it slide
> 
> Also,,, if you happen to want to hmu about this book,,,, pls do my tumblr is @insertfatalisthumorhere pls love me
> 
> Comment bc the author wants 2 know how this chapter is


	4. The Things We Used to Share

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Zoe and Connor liked to share the conspiracy theories they found together. They could converse easily on that topic, talking about cryptids and theories. It was one of the rare things they both got along about.  
> Zoe stared up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Connor used to have them covering his walls, until one night he tore most of them off in an angered spree. Some were still on, a few half torn off, most of them gone. That was another thing they could get along about; the galaxy and stars. Zoe remembered a time in their childhood, that weird time when Connor was in middle school and she was still in elementary school, when they'd just lay outside in their backyard. Connor had begun to show signs of mental illness, but sitting with Zoe on those nights calmed him down. The younger girl would snuggle up onto Connor's chest, as he told her about the constellations. He'd even have little stories about Orion's Belt, or would sometimes make up little stories involving all the constellations together, just talking or something. Zoe really missed those nights. Zoe really missed her brother.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (additional trigger warnings for this chapter: injury, discussion of suicide notes!!!! and sort of unhealthy first aid, but not really. lmao)
> 
> SCHOOL HAS STARTED AND I AM DEAD, SAVE ME  
> my birthday was Monday of last week so now i have a computer and so i think im gonna type on this instead. its hard lmaoooooooo  
> im doing my best to write updates every weekend but my work ethic isnt the best and im having to do a LOT of homework. so.
> 
> Unbeta'd! hmu if theres typos or errors, or if you saw something that was OOC!! I'm not super good at writing zoe //shrugs//
> 
> Title is from Thomas Sanders'(s) song, The Things We Used to Share!! I thought it might fit a little, with the chapter, but probably not. Ive just become a fan recently. oops.
> 
> This chapters split into two parts!! I didn't finish the last part yet, but itll soon be finished!!

Zoe woke up Saturday morning with a pounding in her head and a dryness in her mouth. She stood up, grabbing the glass she kept in her room, and went to the bathroom to fill it up with tap water. Zoe hadn't checked the time when she got up, but judging by the light burning her retinas from the window, it was around 7 in the morning. She gulped down the tap water, then filled it back up, and carried it back to her room. Zoe sighed, and after placing the water down in a safe place, she flopped back down into bed. She was tired, but not sleepy, so she just laid there. She didn't have the motivation to really do anything, not even play her guitar. She eventually got through the song once, all chords, but it was in the early hours of the morning. Zoe couldn't remember the chords after the first verse, much to her dismay.

The brunette reached over and grabbed her phone. She typed in her password, and hit the icon for YouTube. Her eye caught a video in her recommended list, something about the Mandela Effect. She hit it, not wanting to search longer for a video that she really wasn't going to pay much attention to.

Zoe and Connor liked to share the conspiracy theories they found together. They could converse easily on that topic, talking about cryptids and theories. It was one of the rare things they both got along about.

Zoe stared up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. Connor used to have them covering his walls, until one night he tore most of them off in an angered spree. Some were still on, a few half torn off, most of them gone. That was another thing they could get along about; the galaxy and stars. Zoe remembered a time in their childhood, that weird time when Connor was in middle school and she was still in elementary school, when they'd just lay outside in their backyard. Connor had begun to show signs of mental illness, but sitting with Zoe on those nights calmed him down. The younger girl would snuggle up onto Connor's chest, as he told her about the constellations. He'd even have little stories about Orion's Belt, or would sometimes make up little stories involving all the constellations together, just talking or something. Zoe really missed those nights. Zoe really missed her brother.

Zoe's day went on like that, YouTube videos on autoplay while she thought about the past and missed it.

Dinner rolled around, and her mom let her eat in her room again. Dinner was simply some takeout from the Steak n' Shake down the road, Cynthia not feeling up to cooking. Or, as the redhead put it, not 'inspired' to cook, whatever that meant.

Zoe snacked on the fries, then carried the rest of her food downstairs and put it in the fridge. When she came back out of the kitchen, she saw Connor standing at the bottom of the stairs with a bag from the restaurant as well. They both stood there for a moment, just assessing the other, before Connor approached and shoved past Zoe, hitting her shoulder rather hard. Zoe rubbed her arm, quietly hissing a curse in Connor's direction, then went back upstairs.

Zoe laid there for a moment, hearing the door from across the hall quietly close, something she wouldn't have heard if she wasn't paying attention. Zoe just took a sip of her water, then pushed play on her phone.

Zoe didn't know when she fell asleep, but it was nearly noon the next time she woke up. Or remembered she woke up, she didn't know, her phone had been moved and the water she thought she drained was filled again. Zoe knew it was totally capable of her moving her stuff, while half asleep. Zoe just sighed.

Zoe felt slightly more motivated today, so she grabbed her guitar and softly started strumming on the strings. She tried to remember her progress from before.

Zoe eventually figured it out, then worked on her band music again. She worked through it, then sighed, and laid her guitar back into her case. She grabbed her phone again, and looked up some band arrangements of songs. It wasn't really Zoe's favourite music, but Zoe didn't know what to do with herself right now. She felt dumb, right now, doing nothing productive. She fidgeted, her body itching for something to do. She hit her music playlist, and googled the chords for the first song she saw, and began to strum them out after grabbing the guitar back out.

She mumbled the words to the song, obsessively trying to force her mind off of everything. Zoe just wanted to lose herself in the words and notes of the song.

Zoe woke up with a cold sweat, from a dream she didn't remember. Her phone's screen was illuminated, burning her retinas when looking at it. It was unlocked, and pulled up to a chords site. It was then she realized, her guitar was laying on her stomach. She must have fallen asleep messing around with the chords, she rationalized. Her eyes slowly got used to the light, and she looked at the clock: 2:36am. She groaned, as she looked at the percentage which was at 10 percent. She grabbed her water, and stood, pushing the guitar off her body, and delivered the phone to her charger. She slowly sipped on her water before placing it down on the desk. She stuck her hands in the pockets of her pants. The junior felt something stabbing at her hand in her pocket. She pulled the offending object out of her pocket, seeing the words, 'Dear Zoe,'. Zoe was filled with an indescribable emotion; something mixed with anger. She felt red hot, and felt like she was going to boil over. The teen impulsively grabbed her candle from the corner of the room, and placed it on her desk, and pulled out the matches she hid in the desk drawer. She lit the matchstick, and pushed the flame to the candle, afterwards extinguishing the match. Zoe held the paper to the flame, it almost beginning to burn. The youngest Murphy hands shook, realizing this wasn't the best idea. The edge of the paper caught flame, though,  and panicked.

The brunette stood there, unsure for a moment, as the flame licked the page, but impulsively dropped it on the desk. The flame was still smaller than her hand, so she recklessly pushed her hands over the flame, one over the other. The flame bit her hand, and yelped in pain, but held her hand over it. She bit her tongue to keep from screaming, but she saw her water. She reached over with the topping hand, and moved her burnt hand. The flame was smoldering now, but she threw the remainder of the water (which wasn't much) at the dying fire. It made a hissing sound as it completely died, and she whimpered as the full brunt of pain hit her nerves.

"Fuck," the teen muttered, " _ fuck _ ." She left the now wet paper there, and the glass sat in her non-injured hand. She looked at the candle, and pushed the glass over the flame. She then raced into the kitchen to grab something, anything that could stop the burning sensation on her hand. Her feverish mind told her to grab a small, but deepish bowl and fill it with water. She held her injured hand to her chest protectively, as if it was going to get hurt more. The brunette got onto her tiptoes, and reached into the pantry, feeling around for a bowl to satisfy her needs with her good hand. She was getting antsy, but found one, and then sighed of relief.

She turned towards the sink, and filled the bowl with cool water. Zoe then sunk her hand, which was hot as smoulders, into the bowl. A little bit of water splashed out, but it felt so much better and she sighed. She left the pantry door slightly open, unable to close it, both hands occupied. She walked upstairs, her cooling hand in the water which was splashing out the sides every so often. She left her door open when she rushed down stairs, for which she was grateful for. The girl Murphy walked into her room, shutting the door with her foot. She plopped down into her desk's chair, some of the water splashing out onto her lap. She didn't care right now. She placed the bowl on the desk, and raised the chair so she didn't have to reach up much.

The adrenaline pumping through her veins had stopped a little bit ago, and all she felt was pain. Her burnt hand was an angry red, she could even tell through the dim light. She turned on her desk light to assess the situation more clearly.

The glass that was overturned on the candle had put out the candle's flame already. Evan's letter laid sticking to the desk like skin to a leather seat. Zoe stood and reached with her good hand and carefully lifted the letter to not tear it.

Only the bottom of the note had been damaged, where not a lot of things was. The conclusion part of the letter was blurred with water damage, but none of the words had been harmed by the flame. She sighed in almost relief.

Zoe felt immense guilt as she awkwardly laid the letter on the highest and most dry place of her desk. She almost burnt the last thing she had of Evan to ashes because of... Why? She didn't even know why. She just did it impulsively-

A thought struck her. A thought she felt guilty about thinking, and guilty about feeling scared over. She was becoming like Connor, wasn't she. She was hurting herself, and unable to control her impulses.

Zoe took a shaky breath. No, she wasn't like Connor. And Connor was a good person... when not in a bad mood, or having a bad day. He was a decent human being. It isn't his fault he can't control his impulses, he has an actual disorder making it hard to.

But he should, right? He should be trying to control himself even when having an awful day. He has to if he wants to be functional. And his mental illness doesn't make it all okay, he needs to try.

_ Point is, you shouldn't be like Connor. You can't be like Connor. You have to be kind, gentle... All those things that kids are going to think the opposite of the day you go back. _

She slammed her head against her desk. She just wanted to relax, was that too much to ask at... What time was it? She hit the home button on her iPhone, and she read the time. The junior snorted. It was only 2:54am. Just under twenty minutes all this happened. She sighed.

Zoe didn't know how long she sat there, just glaring at the water, spacing out, until she shook her head to shake herself out of it. She looked at the time again, which read 3:09. Zoe didn't know how long you needed to put water on a burn, or if she needed medical attention, but she didn't really want to explain how it all happened to doctors and their parents. So, she decided to just wing it. The pain was dying down anyway, making sort of a sore pain, and the burned skin looked a little less angry. This however, excluded the palm of her hand, where the main offense was. A few little blisters popped up there. She removed her hand. She suspected that would he enough for soaking it.

She walked into the bathroom, flicking on the light and shutting the door. The medicine cabinet was locked up, to prevent Connor from getting into it after his last... attempt. Her parents told her the combination to the lock, so she carefully spun the dial with her hand, and then it popped open. She pulled it back, it showing many medicines. She grabbed the Tylenol, placing it on the counter. Zoe got down to her knees, and opened the cabinet underneath the sink, where she knew the first aid was. It held gauze, and she knew her mom must have placed something that contains aloe in it. She found the gauze, which was close to running out, which Zoe stored in the back of her mind for later worrying. She felt around, and finally found the aloe vera gel her mom put in there.

She stood back up with her supplies. The tips of her fingers were pruny from the water, but otherwise her hand was pretty dry. Zoe opened the cap of the aloe, and hissed as she gently rubbed her hand with the gel. She bit her lip, her eyes holding back tears. It stung.

After she finished with that, she closed the aloe, then began applying gauze around her hand. She first got it too tight, where it was irritating the burn, and she swore she broke her lip's skin, but when touching her lip, no blood was detected. She loosened the gauze, and even though it would rub the wrong way sometimes, she figured it would be okay.

Zoe opened the child-proof lid of the Tylenol after much effort and pain. She poured two pills into her injured hand, which's impact didn't hurt as much with the gauze covering the injured hand. She put the supplies back into their appropriate spots, and then went back to her room. She opened the door with her non-injured hand, with the pills still in the other. She needed water to down them with. She looked at her desk- she needed more water for the night, didn't she?

She lifted the upturned glass, and wandered downstairs. Zoe didn't know what smoke tasted like, and didn't want to find out, so she put the previous glass in the sink, then picked out another one, and filled it up. She then walked out into the living room area, glass in good hand, being surprised by who she saw.

Her mom, looked at her with worried eyes. "Zoe?" Her mom mumbled, and Zoe stood there, quickly shoving her injured hand in her pocket, much to her screaming hand's displeasure.

"I heard a bunch of movement, are... are you okay?" Cynthia asked worriedly, and Zoe nodded nervously. "I, I'm good mom." She spoke, her voice shaky. "I just needed water."

Cynthia's lips smacked together, and she sighed a little. "Okay," Cynthia nodded, plastering a small smile on her face.

Zoe walked past her mother, walking towards the stairs. She briefly looked behind her at the redhead, then went up the stairs. The teen went into her room, shutting the door behind her.

She let out a small breath of air. She took a sip of the water, feeling parched, then remembered why she got the water. She had a little trouble picking up the pills, hands shaky, and the gauze not making it easy to pick up like a normal person.

Soon, she just placed the water down, and placed her uninjured hand under the desk and swept the medicine into her hand. She put the medication into her mouth, then picked up the water, chasing the medicine down her throat.

Zoe took the water to her bedside, and laid back after placing it on her bedside table.

The junior shook with the realization; she had burnt her dominant hand, her right, the one she was more capable of strumming the guitar. Zoe internally groaned, making no noise, now hyper aware of the thin walls.

That means she won't be able to write, or do much of anything on her own. She let her head hit the headboard gently. Zoe knew she would have to tell her mom sooner rather than later.

The Tylenol made the pain more bearable, and so without much difficulty, she fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

Zoe felt pain when she woke up, and she moaned. She was hoping to wake up, with a few short minutes of bliss before suffering through pain and memories from the horror that was last night.

Zoe wobbled as she stood, and walked over to her phone and unlocked it with her good hand. It was awkward to type with only her nondominant hand, but her other hand hurt way too much.

Zoe looked up what she should do for burns, and she noticed to put on an 'antibiotic cream'. She winced, she hadn't done that. It also said to apply gauze every day, and she sighed, knowing they were almost out. She had to go out to the CVS and buy some.

She worried her lower lip. She didn't know if she could even drive herself with her hand burn. She read further down and it said that 'you should see if you need to make an appointment with your doctor'.

She'd definitely have to tell her mom, at least eventually. But she didn't want to. Zoe pulled on a jacket and zipped it up, grabbing her wallet and stuffing it in her pajama bottoms. She realized she had been wearing the same, long, pajama bottoms since Thursday maybe, but she didn't care. She wandered downstairs, and forced her dragging feet into her shoes.

"Honey?" Zoe jumped, and turned, seeing her mom. "Where are you going?" Zoe sighed exasperatedly.

"I'm just going out for a walk, right now," Zoe lied. "I'll be back in thirty minutes or so." Zoe's injured arm was behind her back, had instinctively moved when she first noticed her mom.

Cynthia raised her shoulders slightly, and gave her daughter a worried look. "Fine," Cynthia mumbled, before picking back up a cheery tone. "Have fun!"

Zoe opened the door. "I will." Zoe shut the door behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you wanna talk about this story hmu on tumblr: insertfatalisthumorhere  
> Comment because ~~its what keeps me going~~ its father's day in brazil!!

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for your broken hearts lmao
> 
> also beta'd by the Coolest Kid ever: @Coolkid456 got bless


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